First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
