On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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