Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
