I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
