so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
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