So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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