Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
