when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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