he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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