Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
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