I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Randomize
