i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
