Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
