are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
