Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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