I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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