I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
