You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
