I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Is it because I queefed?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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