He uses pillows to masturbate.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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