He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
