too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
