Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
