As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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