Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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