I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
