meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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