please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
