i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you traded sex for a burrito?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
