I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
