my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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