I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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