his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
