Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
