she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
