first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
