My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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