he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm like, not good at living.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
