this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
