I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
