If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You are a genius and a whore.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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