oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
