I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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