I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I'm having to shit out rocks
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
