I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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