I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
How's work?
Spinning.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
