Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dear god my vagina.
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