kristin has been a bad kristin
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize
