I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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