i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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